The Explosion of You

 I want to show you something you said, and you pulled the fuse from your chest.  And I stood, I did, and I watched you light it and watched it burn. 

Now watch you said, as I explode.

I can't I say I can't stay, but what is there but to stay, to watch, what is there but to bear witness?

And it burns, it hisses and sputters, but it burns.

What can I do? Should I leave you alone? Is there a safe distance?  is there a way to not get hurt? Should I walk away, leave you to your violent end?  And of course I can't, and of course you know that.

Watch this, you said, and lit the fuse.

And I can't stand it, and I reach for it, I try to put it out, stop the burn, but it slips through my fingers, like smoke, like a ghost, I reach and you grab my hand and you say no.  Watch this, you said, and lit the fuse.

There is an inevitability to it, the inevitable explosion the inevitable end, you lit the fuse and asked me to watch as you die; I want to show you something, you said.

And what can we do for someone we love, what can we say except I will not leave you alone, what can we do except bear witness to your end and when you are gone the love will remain, because even this cannot destroy it, it can only leave my love shattered in gleaming pieces, scattered. It can only leave my love broken and strewn on the ground.  Watch this, you said, and lit the fuse.

And it burns, oh how quickly it burns.

Here is some water I tell you, put it out.  Here are some scissors.  Cut it so it doesn't explode. Here, I cry. Here is the way to difuse it. Here is the way, I cry, here is the way, but my words, my desperate helpless words bounce off your ears like birds off of glass, my words lie stunned on the ground at your feet 

There will be damage when it happens, of course I know that and of course you know that, damage, of course, because nobody can stay clean in these instances, there is no safe distance.  Your explosion, your inevitible explosion will hurt us all, and I hate you a little for that, maybe there is a bit of hate in my heart for you and what you have done to us, to all of us, to yourself, for everything you did to prevent us from helping you.  Maybe there is fear, maybe there is sadness and shame and guilt but somewhere there is hate, not for you but for the fuse and for the fire, but maybe for you too, for what you have done.  Maybe there is some grain of black hate there for making me watch.  Watch this you said, and you lit the fuse.

And I can't stand it, and I can't leave you alone, so what else is there but to bear witness, and to bear the burden when you are gone, to lift the guilt and pain and suffering you leave behind,  for me to find all the shattered pieces of my love for you, and lift them up and it is so heavy,  unbearably heavy, impossibly heavy, and I can't stand it but I can't leave you alone and I know that, and you know that. I want to show you something,  you said, without care of whether I wanted to see it, whether I could bear the burden you just didn't care, you just lit the fuse and I had to watch it burn-

I had to watch it burn down 

Until you exploded

Until you were gone 

and left us 

to pick up the broken pieces of our lives

to find the shattered remnants of our broken love

So that one day we may sift through all that brokenness and pain and find forgiveness 

for you, your betrayal 

for ourselves and how badly we failed you

I want to show you something you said

and you lit the fuse.

Still writing,

RP 4-18-26

As an afterword this time, just please remember you are not alone.  Peace.